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Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Nature vs. Nurture and Friends

Word of the Day
Bromide: platitude; a trite or obvious remark
Brought to you by Daphne Gray-Grant

Doing stressful things alone can tweak you out. The lone crazy person, wandering the jungle with a gun is now both iconic and contemporary (especially if you're watching Lost). The propensity for us to get in trouble on our own is also hinted at in passages of Scripture that mention how it's not good for man to be alone and the need for the body to work together.

We need people. Friends. Those who can encourage us to become the people we should be. Because, let me tell you, friends, I'm not yet the person I should be. There are days when parenting makes me feel like I'm the lone crazy person, wandering the forest with a gun.

There's currently an interesting discussion in part of the scientific community concerning the propensity for bad parenting and the abuse of children.

Hat Tip
Karen Joy

I can totally relate to Karen's feeling that the parenting gene has passed me by. But for all my protests, I'm grateful that my wife and friends continue to nudge me to spend time with the girls.

The question for me isn't between nature and nurture. I learned in Psychology that it's nature via nurture, but I don't care much about that either. I'm much more interested in how I can overcome my nature/nurture to become who I should be. What I care about is community.

Who's supporting you? To whom are you listening? Are you alone, or have you found a group of friends to help keep you moving in the right direction?

That's what you need.

That's what I need too.

Where can you find a community? Here on the blogosphere. The Sonlight Forums. Facebook. Your local church.

It's a start, at least.

Where have you found community that fits your needs?

 ~Luke Holzmann
Filmmaker, Writer, Surrogate Father


Karen Joy said...

Hey! Does this mean you still read my blog??? :D Thanks for the HT.

Karen Joy said...

Um. Well, and to respond to your question about community... I came from an abusive background, and though I'm independent (to a fault), I knew in advance of having children that it would be unwise to separate myself from the community of good parents. So, I sought out about three mothers whom I could observe were good parents and sat at their feet, so to speak. I still do that.

I'm very careful from whom I take parenting advice, and have had people offended with me regarding that issue. Like: "Why aren't you doing what I suggested?" "Um, well, your child is sneaking porno and your other child is defiant and you have no meaningful relationship with your third child..." et al.

IOW, I've purposely chosen my community. Much of it has come from my local church, that I've been a part of for 15 years (since I married my hubby). Supporting roles have been played by older friends, my blog, extended family, neighbors, etc. But, the core is definitely the Body of Christ in the form of my local church.

Luke Holzmann said...

Karen, I totally still read your blog. Though, as I've gained more and more responsibilities here at Sonlight and amassed more blogs to read, I've had to skim more and more. Thanks for taking the time to share. I think it is very important to pick your community carefully, especially in certain areas of life.


Grateful for Grace said...

Great question. I have a post in the works about one of the reasons why my dad and I have done so well with the loss of my mother: community.

For me, it's my local (Christian) homeschool association. They are an amazing group of Christ loving women.

Luke Holzmann said...

I look forward to reading your post!


Andrea said...

Just blogged about this in regards to a female's "tribe".

Do you feel the need for a close-knit group of guys or more of the traditional idea of community being both genders/dinners at friends/going to each their kids' bday parties, etc?

I'm interested in that in my meandering thoughts, I thought this "tribe" idea was relatively exclusive to women.

Now, I'm not callin' you a gerl (smile) but am interested in your response my friend.

And, btw, you are putting WAY to much pressure on yourself in regards to your fatherly ways.

Be yourself. God knew the children you would have and He knows you. Rest in it. Relax. Your girls will feel the difference. (ask me how I


Luke Holzmann said...

Andrea, thanks for the tip/reminder/nudge. I do need to relax. Absolutely.

As for my "tribe" I've never had a close knit group of guys. I'm very thankful for my best friend with whom I talk, discuss, rant, work through the issues of life. But I don't have a group of guys. Just one really really good one <smile>.

But my community is larger than that. I see the blogosphere as a part of that (not as personal or influential, but significant nonetheless). The people I actually talk to at church (as opposed to merely saying hello). And the people who come over for movie night every Saturday... not to mention the other friends who come and go as life brings and takes them.

I think guys absolutely need close friends of both genders who can encourage, challenge and push them. I know I do. Granted, I don't go to the bathroom in groups, but having someone else around for time to time is vital to making sure I don't go too my into myself and get lost in there. <smile>

...those are my two cents for the moment. But I'm not totally sure I followed the question, so I may not have answered it properly <smile>.



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