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Friday, February 5, 2010

That Was Brilliant Before

I love writing. I have since before I could write. One of the things I love the most about writing is that I am a genius. My prose and poetry is brilliant. I thoroughly enjoy going back and reading those things I've written that speak directly to the human condition, elicit long lost emotions and share insights into the darkest recesses of human knowledge.

But here's the catch: I hate listening to others read my stuff.

The luster is gone. My thoughts sound like inane babble. My gorgeous mastery of the English language is suddenly replaced with a hideous cacophony of poor sentence structure and pathetic reasoning. I'm an idiot. I should never write again.

Sometimes this reality strikes me when I revisit old passages and posts. I look upon a foreign text, something that could not possibly have flowed from my thoughtful and practiced fingers. I am disgusted. And then I wonder: Why do people read this stuff?

I've been revisiting some of my older posts.

For those of you who waded through those early days of blogging for Sonlight, I commend you! Thanks for swinging by and encouraging me. Your presence here spurred me onward to where I am today.

Today, though, I'm more wary of my writing. I read articles about how, if I were a good blogger, I'd write about you more than about me. I would ask questions more than make statements. My confidence shattered I wonder: Why does anyone read this blog?

Why do you read this blog? What makes you come back here again and again?

They--whoever "they" are--suggest that you be yourself on your blog. "Don't fake it," these nameless gurus say. And so I don't. I continue in my narcissistic outpouring of thoughts and experiences.

Is this one of the beautiful things of a good education--to love what we do and find pleasure in it?

I think so.

My parents let me explore my abilities, praised my efforts and continued to nudge me to hone my strengths. That, in turn, made learning a joy. And as we master things, the doing becomes fun as well. Which is likely why I love writing and find my words so insightful.

That's not to say that tears and correction are not a part of the struggle to master something. But I believe a slightly irrational belief in one's own brilliance is a boon to learning how to produce brilliant things.

Do you see that in your own children or in your life?

 ~Luke Holzmann
Filmmaker, Writer, Surrogate Father


desilou freebush said...

looking back at past work is almost always a good idea! great way to see how far you've come, or how much further you can go. your topics and humor are some of the reasons i'll keep coming back to this blog - being able to link golden lines for my Facebook status is another ....
"a slightly irrational belief in one's own brilliance is a boon to learning how to produce brilliant things"

Jamin said...

Here are my reasons for reading and returning…

First off I like you! You are a person I believe I would enjoy in real life. We share common values, faith, interests. Beyond that….

I like looking into the life of a now grown homeschooler. Since I wasn’t homeschooled myself I don’t know what it’s like to be an adult after homeschooling. Since I am homeschooling my 3 kids I like seeing what a grown up homeschooler looks like.

I enjoy seeing a young adult discover and deal with what life throws at you. I am turning 45 this month (YIKES!) so it’s been awhile since I started my first job, married my husband, waited for my first child, etc. It’s fun to watch you go through all the things we all do in our 20’s and 30’s. It brings back memories of the days when I was doing the same things. Learning the same things. AND it reminds me that my kids will someday (SOON!) be learning and doing these things.

I find it interesting to see “behind the scenes” at Sonlight. Sonlight has been a part of our everyday life since 2000. So, I feel like I have some vested interest in company! I seem to spend many, many hours talking to homeschoolers about Sonlight. Inviting people over to look through our boxes of Sonlight, etc.

Lastly, I LOVE the way you talk about your parents! Always so respectful and loving! I love hearing what you think they did right. I love hearing how they still influence you. I am watching and hopefully learning how to have a good relationship with my children when they are adults.

I am sure there are more reason. But, those are the ones that come to mind. Thanks for sharing your life. I do look forward to seeing your posts in my inbox!


Luke Holzmann said...

Desilou, I'm glad you enjoy my content! That is super encouraging <smile>. And yes, revisiting old work is a good thing to do, even if it does cause me pain sometimes <smile>.

Jamin, yay! A friend <smile>. But, yes, I'm very happy to have you as a friend here on the blogosphere.

Well, I am a grown up homeschooler. But I hope your kids turn out even better than me <smile>. And may they learn those life lessons faster than I have as well <smile>.

I do aim to provide an inside look at Sonlight.

And thank you so much for the insight about my relationship to my parents. I realize that many people do not share such a close connection with their family. I am very aware of the blessing I have of being in such a close-knit family.



luke holzmann
Luke Holzmann
Filmmaker, Writer, Empty Nester
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